Why does this still hurt after so long?

For the last few days I've noticed that my friends list is filled with so many of my friends and family facing a loss of a loved one. This all brings back the pain I felt twice in a year time span. In December of 2000 I faced my first loss that I can remember. My wonderful uncle P had passed away. My uncle was the funniest most fun guy you've ever met (ok I'm biased but hey). He had already had kidney transplants and was sick even if he would always tell you be was fine. He had a way with the ladies, they loved him. He once tried to hit on my sissy at our cousins wedding because he didn't realize who she was, after my mom told him it was his niece all he could do was laugh. When we got the phone call I was devastated I couldn't believe someone in my family had died. We immediately packed up and headed to Vegas to be with our family. My grandmother took it very hard because as we all know no mother should outlive their child. We spent days looking at pictures, telling stories and remembering our wonderful family member who left us all to early. When we came home all seemed to go back to as normal as possible, that is until the day I will never forget. I relive this day in my head on an almost daily basis. My next fight with death came on September 23, 2001 at 5pm. Three days before that my grandma had fallen at the doctors office and broken her femur. If you've even taken one course on the human body you know the femur is the strongest bone in your body. Well she needed surgery to fix it but her heart was very weak. They decided to do the operation and things went downhill fast. She had many code blues in recovery and was placed in ICU for observation. Well then things started to look up and she was sitting up talking and telling the nurses about her grand kids and how she couldn't wait to finally go home so she could relax. While my mom was making a quick dinner and I got ready to go to the hospital the phone rang, I answered it and took a message for my mom. It was the hospital they needed her to call back as soon as she could. I continued to get ready to go see my grandma and then I heard a knock at my bedroom door, it was my mom and she was crying. She said the hospital called and told her my grandma had a heart attack and they did all they could. I couldn't tell you if she even finished her sentence because I couldn't hear anything else. I screamed and yelled at my mom I refused to believe her. We met my sissy at the hospital and went into the ICU to see what had happen and say our goodbyes. My sister was crying, my mom was calm and I was irate! I yelled at the nurses and the doctors telling them that they could have done more, they didn't do their job as a medical professional by letting my grandma just leave me. My mom took me out of the ICU to cool off and I just couldn't stop shaking and crying. Not only did I lose my grandma but I lost my best friend. She was the one, that if I couldn't decide what to wear she would help me, if I needed to talk because I had a bad day she would listen. She always told me that no matter what everyone else thought of me I was a beautiful angel in her eyes. Well the next day we went to the funeral home to say our goodbyes and I was a bit more collected because I knew she just wasn't coming home no matter how hard I cried and pleaded. We held her memorial unfortunately on sissys birthday. Most of our family came down from Vegas, this was very hard for me because it just made me face it that my grandma and best friend was really gone. We cried together, laughed together and looked at pictures of my grandma when she was younger. Now I know that as a mom one day my children will face deaths be loss and I can tell you right now I don't know how I will explain it to them seeing as I can't even handle it well. I do add at the end here my condolences to all my friends and family that have lost someone special in their life I know it's hard but know that things will eventually even out and you'll be able to move through it a bit more. Now that I've opened a can of worms I'm off to listen to some music with the pizza guy and then head to bed, but before I go I ask please remember February is Congenital awareness month and the color is red so wear it proud and show support for us heart families!!! Until tomorrow my friends!

Always Smiling,
Outnumbered Mom ;)